It’s a truth I wish someone would’ve told me a long time ago. But – it takes a lifetime to learn valuable lessons, right? So let’s just start with a little background because I’m sure it’s a familiar narrative to many of you.
I was raised by an incredible woman—strong, selfless, full of compassion and love. I have often told people that her Sainthood is tied up with a bow. She taught me about faith, values, showing up for others, and about being a good person. And I am not only ever grateful for that foundation, but it has grounded me into the human that I am.
But here’s what she—and most of our mothers and grandmothers—weren’t taught themselves:
That being “nice” doesn’t mean being silent.
That being “helpful” doesn’t mean self-sacrificing.
That being “kind” doesn’t mean losing yourself.
As women, especially in faith-based or traditional households, we were trained to be agreeable. Accommodating. Pleasing. We were told that putting others first was a moral obligation. In some situations, we were taught that love is something you can earn by your actions. Saying “no” was said to be selfish, and being too assertive is seen as rude. The worst mistruth (in my opinion) – is that holding boundaries means that you’re cold or difficult.
So – we internalized it. We became the dependable ones. The fixers. The “yes” girls. We anticipated needs before anyone asked. We avoided conflict at all costs. We often made ourselves small, quiet, & flexible—just to make things easier for everyone else.
But no one warned us what it could cost us.
No one told us that some people will keep taking.
No one told us that your mind, body, and soul can shut down from the weight of carrying everyone else’s needs.
No one told us that “doing for others” at the expense of ourselves – will have us slowly disappearing.
Fast forward through trauma, trouble, talking, truth learning, triggers, and therapy, and it was time for me to bring this sentence into focus:
Pleasing everyone is actually impossible.
Being the one who fixes, gives, absorbs, sacrifices—while ignoring your gut, your wellness, your people, and/or your peace? That’s not beneficial. That’s dangerous.
And ladies—this is the cycle so many of us were born into. With no shade or fault about that. This world, and the people in it have changed. And yes, we are supposed to grow and continue to learn as we change.
We were raised by the generation of partner-pleasing, silent-suffering women.
Women who were taught that self-sacrifice was holy. That service often meant silence.
Religious frameworks reinforced this: “Turn the other cheek.” “Put others before yourself.”
And while those teachings hold much beauty in principle—they cannot override your own humanity – because we are also to “Love our neighbor as ourselves.” Not more than – not ahead of – AS we love ourselves.
You are allowed to be kind and also have boundaries.
You are allowed to serve and also say no.
You are allowed to give without being drained.
People pleasing often stems from that basic desire of feeling accepted, worthy, and noticed.
We tend to fear being or feeling unloved.
We fear being seen as difficult.
We hate to disappoint.
And we loathe the feeling that we’ve somehow failed someone we care about.
But here’s what I’ve learned—and I hope you let it land:
It is not your job to please everyone in your life.
Let that sink in.
Not your coworkers.
Not your extended family.
Not your church.
Not the PTA.
Not the entire damn internet.
Not even your partner—not if it means losing you in the process.
Because here’s the truth: when you abandon yourself to make others comfortable, nobody wins.
That’s not kindness. That’s quiet self-destruction.
Here’s a visual: Let’s say one person’s favorite color is black, and another’s is white. You’re told it’s your job to make them both happy—by giving them their favorite color.
Not an item.
Not a compromise.
Not a mix.
Only the color. Exactly what they want.
How do you do that?
You can’t. And that’s the game we’re playing.
We twist ourselves into knots trying to say the right thing, do the right thing, show up the right way—for people who don’t even want the same thing. Or worse—who change what they want every time you get close.
- One friend wants you to vent and open up. Another thinks you’re too emotional.
- Your job wants 110%—but so does your family.
- You’re praised for being generous, until someone says you’re enabling.
- You’re told to be “low-maintenance”—but also polished, helpful, available, and grateful.
It’s exhausting. It’s confusing. It’s unsustainable.
Let’s not get it twisted.
Of course it’s a beautiful human quality to want to be pleasing to the people we love.
Of course we want to feel appreciated, respected, needed.
And yes—many of us genuinely feel fulfilled when we show up and do good for others. That isn’t the problem.
But like most things in life, it comes down to two key things:
Balance and boundaries.
Because when pleasing others becomes chronic…
When it becomes your default setting…
When the people around you are always on the receiving end—but never the giving…
It’s no longer about love. It’s about depletion.
Over-pleasing can become enabling.
So I’m learning to untangle it. To unlearn what I was taught about my own worth and what, if anything, I need sacrifice. I’m learning to say no without guilt. To disappoint people and still be able to sleep at night. To honor my SELF and trust that the right people will still love me, even when I stop shifting to take up their space, instead of my own.
If this resonates with you—even just a little—I want you to know: you’re not alone. And you’re not “bad” or “broken” for feeling or even thinking about this. Our perspectives are supposed to change and grow. And I want you to grow into the best version of yourself, no matter what age or stage you are in life.
You were never meant to be everything for everyone.
You were meant to be you. Fully. Boldly. Imperfectly.
And the people who truly love you?
They’ll meet you there.
And if anyone tries to convince you that it’s just that simple—just be nice, just be pleasing, just keep the peace—just remember:
That’s black and white thinking. And this life? Ladies, we LIVE in the color.